We All Experience Birth and Death

My Friend Asked, "How do I help?"

Recently, a conversation turned to the loss of a loved one and grief, and  I am no expert, by any means.  I can only share my personal experiences and what I have observed and learned.  My friend is struggling how to help someone they love, I hope this helps.

Bottom line: It’s different for each person and there are no rules and there is no set time length of the grieving.

Most important: Allow it to happen as it happens and however it happens.

What helps:  What helps one person does not always help another.

I went to grief counseling offered through the hospice we had for Charles.  It was nice and I learned a lot, but it was offered around the premise of the “5 Stages of grief”.  I’m sure, quite helpful to some, but for me it was just a starting point.  I discovered many more stages than five in my life.  I went to traditional counseling, a one on one, which was helpful, as well, but for me the best help came from writing poetry again.

The best helps a friend or family member can give is a hug, a visit, an unexpected “let’s go to lunch.”  In the early days after Charles, a loving dear lady (whom had just lost her husband) called to ask to drop by for a few minutes.  She cried and was honest saying she couldn’t stop crying and was sorry.  But, as we hugged and cried, I noticed I felt better.  Because she was honest and open and raw.  I didn’t feel uncomfortable because I could relate I could share in her feelings.  It wasn’t the usual, “I’m so sorry, how are you, can I help.”  It was real because she knew how I felt.  She also brought me a book of stamps and told me I would need them.  Wow,  as I learned later, I certainly did need them! 

So, I share today some of those cathartic poems I wrote and I hope my friend will understand a little more about how to “help” (if there is such a thing during the grieving process), and perhaps they will provide an empathetic understanding.  And for anyone grieving, you are not alone, never forget that.  We all must experience this process.

Not the Same

The mirror tells me

I’m the same.

Everyone greets me,

the same way.

My dog snuggles with me,

the same way.

My heart tells me,

I’m not the same.

The confusion and pain

make me feel disconnected.

The empty spot in my every day

and my every night says:

No, you are not the same person,

with the same life.

And never again will you be the same.

Where did I go?

I’m not here,

I’m not there—

with him.

Only alone and not the same.

P A Wade

2013

The Gift

You can’t go over or under it.

You can’t go around it.

You   can’t pretend it doesn’t exist.

It will catch you eventually.

It will drag you kicking and screaming

Back to where you need to be.

You must go through it.

Your heart ripping apart.

Your head pounding from crying all day.

Your gut empty and twisted.

The memories taking all the space in your brain.

The love gift of grief must be.

The pain heals your spirit

Makes you different….

Better, Stronger and truly aware

Of what life really is.

Love

Given by God.

PA Wade

2014