In Honor of Mother's Day
I rarely mention my mother, and there isn't any other way to say this: we had a very tumultuous relationship. Until my mother was diagnosed with bi-polar depression two years before she passed, the family just accepted that she was mean sometimes, hard to get along with, and confusing. I was given the definite impression through actions and words that I was not a happy part of her life. She was nearly 40 when I was born, my brother was 15. She had a horrific birthing experience with my brother, and then nearly died when I was born (as did I). I was told my entire life that "I looked like a drowned rat" when I was born, I cried constantly and so on and so on. Never did she say "I love you." A lifetime of hurtful and callous things were embedded in my heart. But, I loved her, she was my mother and even though I didn't know the reason, I knew in my heart she loved me the best way she could. Charles and I did our best to help take care of her, and while he was having surgery to have his colon removed my brother and sister-in-law were getting my mother settled in a nursing home. My dad could not longer take care of her, nor could my brother and I because we were still working. Worst day of my life, because no matter how she had treated me or made me feel, she was my mother. Both she and my dad had instilled in me the respect and loyalty I felt for her. You may not like a family member sometimes, but they are first and foremost family and you always love them. That's the bottom line, that's what God expects and that was in my heart and still is today. I am not going to say I desperately miss her, but I do miss the brief moments of lucidity and silliness that could occur. The last two years of her life were probably the best for me, because she didn't know me! Mother thought I was her sister! She also had a lifetime hatred of cats and became a lover of the cat pictures outside her room! Dementia can be devastating if you allow it to be. My brother and I chose to use humor and mother was kept calm and we laughed instead of crying.
To me, Mother's Day is about my sons! They are my pride, my joy and my life! We stood together through bad times and came out scarred but whole and strong. The very best Mother's Day in my whole life was when Wade was about 13 and Scott was about 16. We had no money, we were barely surviving and they were being typical teen boys with no male guidance in their lives and driving me crazy. I wasn't doing a great job of parenting, I know that, I own that. Anyway, somewhere they got a card and I still have it in my cedar chest. Simple little Mother's Day card, but what they said has been in my heart and will never leave my heart.
Scott said, "You are the best mom anyone could ever have."
Wade said, "You deserve better, I love you."
They are the best! They aren't perfect in the eyes of many, but they are perfect in the eyes of their mother and will be until the day I die.
Scott's poem I wrote in 1985:
Growing Away
To hold you in my
arms,
To feel the ecstasy
of life.
We grew….
Learning about giving
from each other.
My heart tears as you
pull away,
Growing into a new
life….
Without me.
You go in one
direction, I in another.
Never ending with
laughter as before—
Only your rage and my
tears.
Although, my most
difficult task,
I will let you go.
This is the only way,
My son.
Growing away
And into a man.
One of a Kind
Scrutinizing the
child in me.
Before it is told, I know you will lift.
The mask that hides
your precious gift.
Patience and
understanding is there,
And a soul of one who
can truly care.
Only think of them
well, who cannot see,
With an open heart.
A special child from
the very start.
Thank you for being my sons!
Comments
Post a Comment